老司机直播

Why do we stay in unhappy relationships? 老司机直播 research has some answers

Photo of an unhappy relationship
(photo by rawpixel via Unsplash)

Why do we remain in romantic relationships that leave us unhappy and unfulfilled? The answer in two new studies co-authored by a University of Toronto researcher might surprise you.

Research  found that people are less likely to initiate a breakup when they believe that their romantic partners are dependent on the relationship. Participants in the studies, even people who had been close to breaking up, were motivated to remain in unsatisfying situations because they considered not only their own desires but also how much their partners wanted and needed the relationship to continue.

鈥淧eople stay in relationships for the sake of their partners, even if they feel unappreciated by them,鈥 says Emily Impett, an associate professor of psychology and director of the Relationship and Well-Being (RAW) Laboratory at 老司机直播 Mississauga. She says that there are 鈥渟elf-focused鈥 reasons why people choose to remain in a relationship 鈥 because of the time, resources and emotions they鈥檝e invested in it, or because they don鈥檛 have good alternatives 鈥 but the research shows they also make 鈥減ro-social鈥 altruistic decisions to stay because they feel their mates are committed.

The studies, headed by Samantha Joel, a former graduate student of Impett鈥檚 who is now at Western University, with additional co-authors Geoff MacDonald, a professor of psychology at 老司机直播,  and Stephanie S. Spielmann, a 老司机直播 alumna now at Wayne State University, used online questionnaires and followup interviews to track thousands of participants.

In the first study, which looked at people in romantic relationships in general, 18 per cent of participants broke up after 10 weeks, while in the second study, 29 per cent of people who鈥檇 been contemplating breakups called it quits after two months, Impett says. Across the two studies, she says that many of those who stayed did so because 鈥渢hey felt that a breakup would be distressing to their partners.鈥

Impett (pictured left) is a social personality psychologist who specializes in 鈥済iving鈥 in close relationships 鈥 the 鈥渆normous daily sacrifices we make鈥 鈥 such as romantic partners who aren鈥檛 in the mood 鈥渋n the bedroom鈥 to parents who unfailingly care for their children.

For example, she says the RAW Lab is looking for 200 couples who know that they will soon be moving to a new city to accommodate one partner鈥檚 career ambitions, in order to investigate how they cope with the situation and challenges over time.

There鈥檚 a wide range of research continuing in the field, she says, such as a large breakup study looking at why people bail in relationships and a 鈥渟ex-with-an-ex" study that has so far found that sleeping with a former partner isn鈥檛 harmful to people and increases positive emotions.

Impett says the next step for the research on partners鈥 鈥減ro-social鈥 motivations is to get 鈥渄yadic data鈥 that includes the second partner, for example, to see whether the perception that a breakup might be traumatic to the partner is correct.

鈥淎lso, if you鈥檙e staying in a relationship and you鈥檙e unhappy and your partner is able to pick up on that, that鈥檚 got to have an effect on the partner,鈥 Impett says.

The goal of such studies is to eventually partner with clinical psychologists to reach couples dealing with these challenging issues, says Impett, who notes that 鈥渆veryone can relate鈥his is people鈥檚 lives,鈥 but her research is statistics-based. For example, she teaches a large undergraduate course at 老司机直播 Mississauga on interpersonal relationships where students 鈥渃ome in with their own lay beliefs about relationships and how they work,鈥 she says. 鈥淚 ask them, 鈥榃hat is the science?鈥欌

Impett herself can appreciate the 鈥済iving鈥 issues that she researches鈥攕he鈥檚 the mother of three children and her husband moved from San Francisco to Mississauga when she got her job in 2010.

"Life is full, and you get what you give,鈥 she says.

 

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